Hi guys. It's 4am here and I just got back from a night out. This is not really a blog post because it's going to be very short and devoid of any digressions. Tonight marks the third time I've walked in on someone taking a shit in the cubical. Is this normal? Because sometimes I feel cursed. Why would you not lock the door? Do you get off on some kind of sick euphoric pleasure from having someone MAYBE walk in on you when you're pulling the pin on an ass grenade? Or did you just forget? Either way, don't get me started on the converse as well (it's funny how saying "don't get me started" is a segway to getting me started on a digression) - How many times at a house party or whatever have you needed to use the toilet but waited outside because the door was closed?
Okay, I'm sure you all know this situation I'm about to describe. - You're at a house party and you had one too many pre-teen concocted shitty alcohol mixes and you need to go take a piss. You ask the horribly inebriated host where the toilet is and he flails his arms in some vague fucked up direction which you can barely decipher. After much exploration and frustrated grunts around the house, you finally find the toilet. You feel like you should be a cartographer or explorer after accomplishing such a gargantuan task. You walk up to the toilet, the door is closed. You're not sure if there's someone in there mid-dump or WORSE, ...fornicating. You put on your imaginary Sherlock Holmes outfit and put your ear towards to door listening for any signs of life. The sound of piss streams, the disgruntled moans of pain from a party goer that had too much east indian food last night, the sound of the tap going, you're trying to listen for any of those signs. - But it's so hard to listen for anything over the California Girls playing from the speakers! A good five minutes has passed and every attractive girl in the party has walked passed you and mentally noted you as the weird guy that likes to listen in on people's bathroom activities. You decide, "fuck this shit, I'm going in". You knock once. No answer. You knock a second time. No answer. Then with a surge of frustration you do the slow "I hope you're not mid-dump" opening of the door. There's no one in the toilet. You feel raped. There you were just being nice and not wanting to walk in on someone dropping an ass grenade and this is what you get? You proceed to take a very frustrated pee and consider not wiping as a "fuck you" to society but then remember you're trying to get laid tonight, so you wipe it anyway. It is however, a very angsty wipe.
This needs to stop. That was a pretty long rant, but yknow, that's the way you guys wanted it anyway. So without further ado, here are Josiah's rules to the toilet!
This rule should seems so elementary but is never done in practicality. This needs to be the first thing kids learn in school, then maybe if we have time we'll get to work on the Singaporean Pledge or the times table.
1) DOOR CLOSED means it is occupied. Ocupado. 有人. Whatever the fuck. It means there is someone in there expelling some foul demons from their body. Simple enough right?
2) DOOR OPEN means vacant. This means no shitting or pissing with the door open, you sick fucks.
3) DOOR SLIGHTLY OPEN means "enter at your own stinky risk...". - You should adjust how ajar the door is depending on how much you've stunk up the bathroom. Like, at 90% closed, your shit probably has a life of it's on and you probably have to exercise it like in one of those shows. So it could range from 90% closed to 10% closed. You know, it's just good science right? Don't question me because I took IB Biology.
You see, if we all get on the same page, there would be no more confusion. There would be no more walking in on people unloading their waste and there would be no more pointlessly waiting for a couple of minutes outside a closed bathroom door.
There are actually 4 more rules I have in mind but I can't really be bothered to write them at the moment. I think what I'll do is release a rule for every post I make. Hope you enjoyed the short post. If you're still reading from the days when my blog went crazy viral, then I salute you, kind sir, thanks for stickin' around. And if you're new here, feel free to post a comment and let me know what you think about my toilet rule. PEACE.
Hit here, since I decided to be more active on my blog, I guess I should share this video of me and the very capable Evelyn Levers doing a duet of Where I Stood.
if the video doesn't work. And Derek's gay.
Hi there. Hi. Did you miss me? I can't believe I still have so many readers after so many months of inactivity. It feels naughty. Like an abusive, negligent boyfriend, love me because I neglect you right? You can't stop coming back even if there's nothing there. You like that I don't care about your welfare as a reader, you like that I'm dominant and I post content WHENEVER I WANT. On a side note, I've removed my personal email from the site since I get spammed by people, instead if you have any questions about the blog, you can continue spamming me at email@example.com now.
But really, man where has the time gone? When I was actively posting, I probably had hair and Rebecca Black was still a thing. But today, I'm sitting here, on my bed, it's 10am in the morning and maybe it's the beautiful rays of the morning sun burning my dick, but I feel kind of nostalgic so I decided to crack open the old blog. Today I want to talk about laughter. Ironically, this blog post about laughing is probably the least laughable blog post I've ever written.
So shall we start? At risk of sounding like the bottom half of a gay couple, I think laughter is one of the most powerful things in the world. Laughter is taken for granted all the time. We laugh all the time but do we ever stop and think about why we laugh? How we laugh? What happens when we laugh? What changes in us when we laugh? Today I want to explore laughter and all there is about it and why it is precious. Before we talk about laughter, how about we laugh it up a little? Below is a photo of me being boned by a bear in the streets of Munich, Germany. There were no girls on the trip, so I had to satisfy myself somehow, and hence:
Me and comedy go way back
Growing up as a boy, it was always a dream of mine to be a comedian. I would watch Russell Peters as a pre-pubescent 11 year old do crappy Chinese accents in awe. I thought to myself "man, if only I could do that for a living, wouldn't that be great?". Comedy has always been something that I've held dearly onto my life. Anyone who knows me knows I love laughing. I love laughing at anything and everything. From musical puns to pictures of turd sandwiches, I love to laugh at anything. This love of laughter stemmed from when I was young.
You see, I was very sad when I was young; I'd cry all the time and I'd be angry and frustrated. However, instead of unleashing hell onto my cabbage patch doll like a normal sane child, my saving grace was comedy. I'd watch all the comics spew out jokes, and then I'd recite them under my breath and tell it to my friends and watch them all laugh. Laughter and comedy was a way for me to cope. My wish as a kid and pre-teen was that I could laugh forever because that way, I would never be sad and this is kind of what today's blog post is about.
The power of laughter is a strange one in the sense that although it is SO powerful, we never really notice or harness the power of comedy. Much like the black inner city kid who is born with an amazing voice but is forced into a life of street crime, the potential of laughter is ignored. I am obsessed with trying to explain and quantify the metaphysical and much like my blog post on love, this one's about laughter.
To laugh, is to be fearless
The title above is the point of revolution of the post.
To laugh, is to be fearless.
To laugh, is to be fearless.
To laugh, is to be fearless.
To laugh, is to be fearless.
When you laugh, you do not fear. When you laugh, you do not cry. When you laugh, you are not anxious. Get the picture now? Emotionally, laughter is one of those emotions that is all encompassing and dominant of every other emotion. The power of laughter lies in how dominant it is over any other emotions. If you laugh, for the single moment that you are laughing, you are psychologically unable to feel any other emotion. Laughter is euphoric and does no co-exist. When true laughter is present, any other emotion fades back into the distant.
If we imagine our minds as a dinner table, and the different plates of food as the different emotions a human is capable of producing, then laughter would be the smelly tofu of emotions.
Laughter is the smelly tofu of emotions
So what do I mean by laughter is the smelly tofu of emotions? Like I touched upon earlier, laughter is the most dominant, euphoric emotion. Think back to the times when you've had a laughing fit. The times when you couldn't stop laughing. For that short moment that you are laughing, no anxiety, no sadness and no worries can penetrate you.
When you laugh, you forget about the world, you disregard your situation and your surroundings. When you laugh, your mind is a one track mind. Almost like an orgasm, during that sweet moment, during that fleeting, short moment, nothing in the world matters. You don't care about anything else but the orgasm. I can't believe I just said that. My parents read this blog. Shout out to Mr. Seet and Mrs. Seet and not to mention my sister, Kimberly. I'm sure you all think I'm really fucking weird.
Okay so where was I? Ah yes, laughter fills up your emotional capacity to full. When you truly actually laugh out loud, you cannot fear. You could laugh BECAUSE you are scared, but when you are laughing, you cannot be scared. I know some of you think this is a pile of mushy shit, but please keep an open mind because this is true. Think about the split second in which you are really, really laughing hard...You cannot fear. You cannot be scared. You cannot be sad.
This is a rather short and kind of serious post and I know I've been emailed by people saying they want funny stuff, but I don't care. I kind of needed to get this out. So before I go, I'm just going to say, if you can make someone laugh, you can make them fearless. Laughter is precious so please, just laugh at anything you can. Even if it's retarded, just laugh for the sake of laughing.
Thanks guys for reading and I'm just going to reiterate what I said earlier that you guys should think about:
Laughter is the smelly tofu on the dinner table of emotions.
I think most of my posts have been rather serious; what with all the Marijuana and Kony posts, it's been slightly depressing! So i thought I might make a post about something more light-hearted and humorous. Ok, so today we are going to talk about toilet-flushers and WHY they don't work. Firstly I just want to say this. People always go "oh look at Josiah, here he goes again ranting about manboobs or why we should name our kids "Fatimah" or "Lou" he's just joking!". I am fucking serious. Every single outlandish improvement I write here, I am serious. When you hear me say I am going to name my kid Lou because it sounds like "Louuuu" when people "Boooo" and jeer him on stage, I am fucking serious. I am seriously about everything I write. Comedy is simply a trebuchet I use to lower your defenses and make you more malleable.
Ok, so today we are talking about toilet flushers. There are two kinds of toilet flushers. Bad ones, and REALLY bad ones. If you see the world through the prism of motivation, you will realize that a lot of people do not flush toilets at a public place because it is dirty and there is simply no reward! It's sad that we have to depend on incentives to better the world, but it's true. Okay, before we figure out ways on how to improve the toilet flusher, let me tell you what's wrong with the current toilet flushers.
Okay, so this is your typical middle class flusher that is emerging more and more. It looks kind of like a a cashew nut fervently spooning an almond nut and it SUCKS. Here's what's wrong with this toilet flusher:
1) If you have taken a huge dump, you really should be using the large flush, but PSA's and society has deemed that to be an environmentally unfriendly thing to do. So you are always faced with the dilemma of either leaving a fecal bomb in the toilet or feel like a world killing dick.
2) The flusher is BEHIND you, hence if you are offloading a particularly heavy round of Pad Thai, you probably need to flush twice and therein lies the problem! You have to flush it while sitting down, and because the flusher is behind you, you have to kind of twist your body like a corkscrew just to reach it.
Ok, so now we have established that modern day flushers are horrible and there is just no incentive to do so. So why don't we add a little incentive? This idea came to me while I was in the fine city of Vegas many years ago. It occurred to me that public bathrooms in Vegas were FILTHY. No one was flushing. I mean granted everyone was inebriated and didn't give a shit, but still, that was a problem. So a 14 year old me went to be pondering the hypothetical, "if I was the mayor, how would I solve this problem". And a prepubescent me came up with an idea that is one of my best ideas to date...
Many people will recognize this contraption as the slot machine lever. I think you can see where this is going. Because of the rampant amount of casinos and the avalanche of people addicted to gambling, why don't we make the toilet flushers slot machine levers?
Seriously. Imagine you in Vegas, you've just won a little bit of money, you're slightly drunk and have to go take a piss. You finish peeing and while you would normally not bother with the flusher, you see that the flusher is somewhat like the one pictured on the left. You see a gigantic long lever just waiting to be pulled. Your fingers curl up uncontrollably, miming the shape of the lever head as you crave pulling that lever. Look at that lever, it is just asking to be pulled. And finally, you do the deed.
Life is about motivation and incentives and because of this, if we give people motivation and incentive to flush I believe toilets will be a lot cleaner. But seriously, if you're still not on board with the idea of this, is probably because you have never pulled a slot machine lever before. And I'm talking about those gigantic long levers. It's because you have never felt that satisfying, that rewarding deep "clunk" after fully depressing the lever, it's better or on par with a sexual orgasm, I swear. Not only are guys addicted to gambling, the lever is just so fun to pull!
Levers are ridiculously fun to pull, and using it as an incentive to flush in Vegas is something I would love to see happen. And plus, with all that extra money going around from the Casinos, maybe we could make it a jackpot where you could win 10,000 dollars for flushing or something. Do you find levers as fun as I do? Do you have any other ideas to fix the rampant unflushed toilets? Let me know!
Hello everyone, I hate to post the run-of-the-mill, generic yet kind of mandatory "Sorry I haven't posted in so long!" message but I have to. I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately, I've been busy not being busy! And I know I got a couple of emails from readers asking me when the next post is, so I decided to do a post.
As I was relaxing, sprawled on my bed scrolling through Facebook, I came across a post by a buddy of mine, Monica. She linked an article that caught my beady, shifty eyes. The headline went a little something like this: "Cannabis cafes set to open all around Britain". I metaphorically spat out my metaphysical coffee from my fabricated mouth. The trajectory, speed and velocity of this metaphorical expulsion of coffee from my mouth was further fueled upon reading the article.
Okay so let's start digging in! Right about now you're probably saying "Josiah, how can a liberal arts loving douche like you be against this?" Well, Mace Windu, let me explain to you why I have problems with this movement. To understand my inherent problem with this movement, you have to understand my problem with pot. And no, I am not talking about the teflon beast that guards your pumpkin soup every night, I'm instead, talking about pot.
I used to think no one could confuse a cooking pot with the drug pot, but I used to also believe that everyone had an email account. - Until I met Mike. I met Mike in school a long time ago in Year. 8 and he told me he didn't have an email account. Who doesn't have an email account? Seriously, I gotta go on side-jag here, but seriously, how can you survive without an email in this day and age? That's like having no soul. Oooh, interesting thought: that feeling you get when you lose your email account due to hacking or a forgotten password; that feeling of loss, that grief you feel for your email account, is that the grief we experience if our soul gets stolen? Okay now I'm fucking' on fire! - It just occurred to me, your Email is your soul. Someone call fucking Jimmy Kimmel and get me on his show because I just discovered that your email account is your soul. Think about that one. Seriously. Stop thinking about me telling you to think about that one and just go think about emails being souls for awhile. Then return to this post to read what I have to say about pot.
Phew! That was a slight detour. I have a habit of digressing when I try to make a point but that's okay because that's the way you wanted it anyway. Right so let's get to it. I'll put it in a very simple sentence my feeling about pot:
"Pot makes you alright with being bored."
That is what it boils down to. Let me explain. Have you ever been so bored that you actually did something productive? Remember when the season finale of 90210 and other assorted chick shows ended? You know that empty feeling you get? Yeah that's boredom with a touch of anxiety. Most people view boredom as a negative thing, and while it is, boredom is the driving force behind productivity. Have you ever picked up a hobby because you were bored? Sure, we all have. And for some of us, that hobby became a life skill that could make some money!
Take me for example. I started Guitar because I was bored and had nothing to do. I subsequently did not have much going on in my life, so I PRACTICED. Why did I practice? BECAUSE I WAS BORED. I WAS BORED. I'M BORED RIGHT NOW, THAT'S WHY I'M WRITING THIS.
I hope you see the point in this like you can see the point of a serial killer's knife glimmer in one of those cheesy 80's horror movies where the guy dons a mask an- you know what, I've said too much. The point is, boredom makes us productive. Sometimes, it makes us watch AMC's Breaking Bad, but sometimes boredom can actually drive us to do some amazing, productive things. Don't believe me? I am living fucking proof. I became proficient at guitar because I was BORED and well, passionate too.
Pot makes us alright with boredom
Now that you understand why boredom is so important in our life, you should understand be able to put the pieces together and do the math. Pot is the most efficient boredom killer of them all. There is NOTHING more unproductive than being high. I can speak from personal experience. Even when you watch a TV show like Breaking Bad, at least you are learning about fulminated mercury can be used in a non-lethal combat situation. But when you're high, you don't learn ANYTHING. There is no more unproductive hobby than getting high.
We've all been there. High as a kite, sitting on the couch with your lazy pants on and laughing your ass off with your friends for a couple of hours straight. With pot, there is NEVER a boring moment and that's the inherent problem I have with pot. Pot kills boredom and when we lose our ability to be bored, we lose a part of our motivation to be productive and actually do something useful.
Still don't believe me that boredom is a strong motivation factor and a key to success? Look for interviews of famous, successful people and see how they got started. I was listening to a Joe Robinson interview the other night and he said "In Australia, we didn't have much to do, so I just played guitar all day.". Joe Robinson is now one of the most talented acoustic guitarists in the world at age 22. Do you think if Joe had smoked a doobie every day he would be so dedicated? It was his own words that said it was because he was bored that he practiced guitar so much.
But seriously, do you honestly fucking think that Fortune 500 CEO's do this shit? Think about all the rich, successful people in life that you know and try and think about how many of them you can imagine lighting a pipe or doobie. The answer is NONE. Do you think Goldman Sachs and Donald Trump get together every night and go "Hey Trump, let's lay on your mattress with no box spring and RIP A BONG LOAD? CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE TRUMP RIPPING A BONG LOAD? NO. FUCK NO. FUCK NOW I'M PISSED.
Donald Trump and everyone successful in the private sector do NOT rip bong loads.
Where do i stand?
The most compelling argument I can give you as to why pot makes people stupid, is not chemicals or scientific papers or anything of the sort, it's pure hard empirical data. Think about back when you were in school or college, did you EVER know a smart stoner? I've met MANY stoners and I can honestly say that in my school life, I have never met someone who had, for example, good grades and astonishing intellect who smoked pot excessively. Once in awhile you'll find the odd exception, but no one can deny that they have seen a HUGE percentage of stupid stoners who do horribly in school.. It's the ultimate stereotype; the dumb stoner, and it's a cliche BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
Now it seems as though I've been a little hard on our brain cell killing, time wasting green friend, but I'm actually alright with pot. I think pot is only dangerous to our intellect and productivity in large amounts. So where do I stand?
Ahem, I think it's okay for cannabis cafes to exist, by all means I think it'll be a decent form of tax revenue, but there needs to be a limit. There needs to be a weekly limit on how many doobies they are allowed to blaze or else it's open fucking season out there.
In conclusion, Pot is like Mormons or Jehovah's witnesses in the sense that they are pretty awesome in small amounts, but dangerous in large amounts.
Hello everyone, sorry I have been able to spout my vitriolic venom at you much, I have been studying hard for my exams! And by studying hard for my exams, I mean studying hard for my music exam, and by studying hard for my music exam, I mean playing a lot of fucking guitar. So anyway, today we are talking about some SERIOUS. We're going to talk about kids. Yes, kids. Those little "aww"-inciting munchkins that are the lifeblood of the human race. Just a quick sidebar here, but I was reading one of my little sister's old children's book when she was like 3 years old and on the cover it said "winner of the el-blah-blah-blah award for 2005!" so I thought to myself, well this should be pretty good. I open the book, and it looked something like this:
I HATE children's authors. I hate them. Until you can do what Roald Dahl did and write for you, your child and your grandmother, I have NO respect whatsoever for you. Here are a couple of points as to why I hate children's writers.
1) Has there EVER been a fucking children's writer that has had writer's block? Seriously. You know how all the fantasy novel characters have had writer's block? We often hear the "oh I just did not have any inspiration today to develop the the character of Johnny and I just couldn't think of adjectives to describe the beautiful canopy Johnny lived in". We often hear that from NORMAL adult writers. Do you think there EVER was a children's book writer who had trouble writing this shit? Do you ever think they go through this scenario:
I will personally challenge you to find me a children's writer that has EVER had writer's block. The gravest extent of their writing dilemmas are "should Piggy go to the MARKET? Or should Piggy go to the BEACH?". Do you think they stay up all night breaking out in cold sweat in their bed mumbling and pondering on where Piggy should go next?
2) Children's books are useless. I'm serious. They are useless. Take ANY children's book that you've ever read. Do you think they taught you anything that you haven't learned from school? Do you think you could not have learned the words "GOOD" and "EGG" without the help of that book? Do you think people walk around going "man, I am so grateful for the hungry fucking caterpillar! Without the insightful and highly classified information of that book, I would've NEVER known that a leaf is green or that days can be sunny." I challenge you to find something useful that you have learned from a children's book that you cannot learn from pre-school or primary school.
You want to talk about wasting paper, imagine how many millions of trees are cut down each year for the sole purpose of telling you that a leaf is green, or that the sun is shiny or whatever the fuck.
Anyway, here's a funny picture because you put up with my ranting for so long (via 9gag):
3) So anyway, all you children's writers who have never published a piece of adult work, shame on you. SHAME ON YOU. You are essentially writing books for mini retarded people
. This is by no means an attack on kids, but that's what they are! Kids are mini retarded people.
For example, little Johnny reads at a 3'rd grade level because he's in the 3'rd grade...but if he kept reading at a 3'rd grade level when he was 35, then he's retarded
. My little sister has a mental age of 9 because she is 9 years old, but if Johnson here had a mental age of 9 at the age of 25, he would be retarded.
So really, Children's book's writers, you are writing for mini retarded people
.4) Look at this list of children's books awards:http://people.ucalgary.ca/~dkbrown/awards.html
I've always wondered how they judged children's books. I mean, really, with adult fiction, you can talka bout tone, characterization, themes, symbolism etc, but I would LOVE to know the the criteria for children's books. I would LOVE to see a prize giving ceremony for books written for retarded people
. Here's a small script excerpt of my play "Retarded People" if any producers are reading my blog.The crowd is hushed. The panel take their place in what seemed like four bejeweled throne. The judges feverishly itch and fidget out of anxiety as they know the great responsibility of the 20th annual Children's Books Awards lay firmly on their shoulders.Announcer: And now...(cue dubstep) for the greatest prize of them all...Who will be the crowning jewel of the esteemed Children Author world? Who out of these five nominees
will win...BEST AUTHOR! (crowd roars)(Hush)Announcer: The nominees for this year's best writer are...Announcer: "Dog Goes WUFF! Volume 2" by H. Gordon
!Announcer: "Piggy Goes To The Market!" by Stephen Linsky
: "Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Platypus" by Marvin Tan!Announcer: And now...the winner for this year's best Children's Author is...Dog Goes WUFF! by H. Gordon!Gordon enters from Stage left to the thrust of the stage. He is overflowing with tears of joy and relief. It is also noted that he is urinating himself as a large cesspool of pee engulfs the pelvic and crotch area of his trousers.Judge: Gordon, your creativity was unmatched. Till this day, I am moved by your wonderful book, "Dog Goes WUFF!". With
out your book, I think millions of children today would not have known that a dog, indeed, does go "wuff". You have enlightened us all with your beautiful writing. I remember, one of the most beautiful lines of the book was "wuff wuff!" and who could forget the classic line of "wuff wuff wuff!" and lastly, the line of "Dog goes wuff!" will forever be etched in our skull. Gordon, you are truly one of the most amazing writers of the 21st century. Promise us that you will forever be a shining bastion for excellence in writing.Enter The Incredible Hulk from stage right where he viciously mutilates and audience, judges and authors.*FIN*
But you always believed in me.
Hello everyone, I am feeling rather bittersweet and nostalgic this Friday night, and I just wanted to share with you a song that I arranged for an acoustic guitar and two voices. This is an arrangement of Home by Michael Buble and it is performed by myself and a good friend of mine, Caitlin. Please use HEADPHONES or else the voices will not be heard properly.
EDIT: Had a couple of complaints that the video wasn't working so just use this link if the video is not loading:WATCH HERE
I hope you enjoyed it, thank you so much for watching, leave a comment on the video, give me a thumbs up and it would absolutely make my day.There is a special girl many oceans away (you know who you are), and if for some reason you somehow end up on this blog, and if, for some reason, you are reading this, I just wanted to let you know that I miss you
. And though I move on, and you the same, you will always and forever be my Mendelssohn-playing Juliet.
As most of you know, I am an aspiring musician. I play a gig on average once every two weeks on top of my studies in Dulwich College and it's really fun.
I am writing this blog post because I am sick and tired of telling people over and over again why sometimes it hurts me when people watch me live. This will be a quick one hopefully.
It sucks when I play on stage in front of a couple of hundred people and there is no one I recognize or can say hello to. It sucks even more when I look at a band that is playing after me and they have about a horde of friends/coworkers armed with banners and posters screaming for them. But you know what sucks the most? The pity support. Hardly anyone I am friends with has ever watched me play a gig live outside of the college, and that's fine, because they are busy paving their way to a good, successful future. But once in awhile, there will be one person, usually a friend or maybe a group of them that will come out and watch me play.
I had this experience awhile back. A couple of acquaintances came out to watch me play at Bee Dees, and I was pleasantly surprised to see someone I actually knew and could say Hello to in the audience. After my flashy abusing of my acoustic guitar, the three girls came to tell me I did an "amazing job". I asked them "you're awesome for coming out, but why did you come out?" and they replied "oh well, I heard no one ever comes out to watch you live, so we decided to pay you a visit!". Her embrace was thick with an aura of pity and sympathy. Pity support.
Pity support is the most depressing thing you can do to a performer. I know they meant well, but that fucking line of "I heard no one ever comes out to watch you live, so we decided to pay you a visit" stung like venom. So here's the message to any of my readers living in Shanghai who are thinking of attending one of my performances:
If you decide to watch me play live, I love you and you deserve a hug or a kiss (depending on how attractive you are). However, please come for the music and the music alone. Stop and think for a second - are you coming to watch me because you are my friend? Or perhaps it's because my hair looks funny? Or maybe it's because you feel sorry that no one ever watches me live? If your answer is anything besides "I am coming to watch you for the music", then please, keep your sweatpants on, put on an episode of Sex in the City and stay home. I would rather play to an empty stadium than play to a group of friends who came out because of something besides the music, be it pity or attraction (haha, I wish!) or whatever. I seriously would.
I am naught but a vessel for the music. I am merely a translator and interpreter for the music. My guitar, my voice and body together in trinity form a bridge from the audience to my mind, where the my most intimate and innermost emotions lie. My job is to convey my emotions of the song through the the medium of my voice and my guitar and sometimes harmonica (badly ;D). I practice thousands of hours literally, day and night, regardless of the environment around me, you can bet I will be pickin' away at a song.
In a nutshell, I want you to attend because you appreciate the thousands of hours I have bled into a 40 minute set. I want you to attend because you want to cross the bridge into my innermost thoughts through a song that I have poured my heart and soul into. And finally and simply, I want you to attend because you love the music. It is so easy to be distracted by flashy gimmicks; be it Katy Perry squirting whipped cream out of her tits in California Girls or flashy pyrotechnics of a rock band, or Justin Bieber's good looks that we have lost focus. We have lost what it means to love music - do you love Katy Perry's tits or her MUSIC?
Music in it's purest, most undefiled form is the most beautiful and soul nourishing medium of art there is. There needs to be a revival of the integrity and purity of music, and it starts right here, with this performer.
HI! ISAEDIT - 10/3/2012100,000 unique visitors
in 36 hours, and I've lost count of the page views. One word, share
. Harnessing the power of social media, together we can educate the masses.
Copy and share this link to every community you know and let's get people educated
. Contrary to popular belief, I do NOT
profit off of my blog at all, I believe it is philosophically wrong
and all I ask from you the reader, is that you share the good word
by copying and sharing the link
to this blog!EDIT
- 10/3/2012Before you read ANY of the arguments, I think the most compelling argument lies in a recent development. If you choose to ignore everything in the blog, please, just feast your eyes on the paragraph below that shows the idiocy of IC:
Fellow blogger Grant Oyston is a HUGE
advocate against Invisible Children, the organization behind the Kony Campaigns. He made a post complaining that IC are not "spending their money well"
on the KONY 2012 campaign. Do you know what was IC's response to his accusations that they are not spending money correctly? They offered him an ALL EXPENSES paid trip to San Diego
, FOLLOWED BY a PAID trip to Africa
to talk with the leaders personally. Grant estimates the cost of everything will be $3000 US, but I believe including the round trip and other expenses, it'll be around the ballpark of at least $10,000
. And guess where that money is coming from? That's right, DIRECTLY
donations to Invisible Children Inc. - Thankfully Oyston rejected the offer of unprecedented idiocy! Oyston has revealed this in his visible children blog and this is ONE small
example of the misuse of THOUSANDS of DOLLARS in DONATION MONEY
on something ridiculously trivial
. I challenge you to read this paragraph 5 times over and still feel compelled to give money to the Invisible Children Inc.EDIT: -
9/3/2012If you are looking for alternative charities to donate to,
Glenna Gordon via the Washington Post has suggested:I think there are a lot of reputable NGOs doing the daily business of development — the actual building of latrines, training of teachers, etc. Oxfam and IRC have great operations in Uganda. Lacor Hospital,Caritas Uganda, The Refugee Law Project, Christian Counseling Fellowship, and African Youth Initiative Network. I really hope that we can redirect the energy to these groups, as much as possible.
It must be stopped. We have to stop this madness. This KONY 2012 campaign is spreading like wildfire and no one is taking a step back to evaluate the situation. People jump onto the bandwagon and let that bandwagon decide for themselves. Do you have any idea who the Invisible Children charity are? Do you know anything about Joseph Kony? In this blog post I will provide for you another point of view and hopefully systematically argue my case for why KONY 2012 is not a good thing. All I ask you to do is keep an open mind and listen to a perspective that is not trodden on usually.
My job here is to present to you FACTS and FIGURES that will show you a new perspective into the whole KONY 2012 campaign. I will present to you an argument, followed by a fact and usually a citation from a reliable source. This is all arranged into an easy bite-sized chunk.
#1 - invisible Children Inc
The organization behind it all. The filmmakers and main driving force behind the event. Let's proceed to break it down. A small amount of research can easily reveal just the surface of the corruption that occurs in the Invisible Children Inc charity organization. So here are the facts that make this organization dodgy:
1) If we look at the salary of the Charity CEO's, one finds some shocking numbers!
Let's take a Charity like WorldTeach. My folks know the charity well, and they donate frequently to the organization. A quick look at Charity Navigator shows that the only salary of note is of the CEO's and it is $41,846. Not bad right?
Now, contrast this with Invisible Children's total salaries of notability:
$88,241 - Ben Keesey Chief Executive Officer
$89,669 - Jason Russell Co-Founder - Filmmaker
$84,377 - Laren Poole Co-Founder -Filmmaker
So this adds us to a total of $262,287! That's right. The notable salaries of Invisible Children amount to a QUARTER OF A MILLION split between three greedy individuals. Compare this with WorldTeach. WorldTeach not only has only 1 notable salary on the charity list, but it is a mere 41,846 dollars. The notable salary expenditure of Invisible Children is 400% more, at a whopping, $262,287 US dollars.
EDIT: I am AWARE that the CEO's money is only 80 thousand, but if we were to view salaries HOLISTICALLY:
Total notable salaries of WorldTeach: $41,846
Total notable salaries of Invisible Children Inc: $262,287
Invisible Children not only has three notable salaries (compare that with WorldTeach's mere 1), the total notable salaries combined is 400% that much.
Lastly, here is a direct quote from the Visible Children blog:
Invisible Children has been condemned time and time again. As a registered not-for-profit, its finances are public. Last year, the organization spent $8,676,614. Only 32% went to direct services (page 6), with much of the rest going to staff salaries, travel and transport, and film production. This is far from ideal, and Charity Navigator rates their accountability 2/4 stars because they haven’t had their finances externally audited. But it goes way deeper than that.
#2 We're fighting in uganda?
The official statement of Invisible Children as a charity is as follows:
"invisible children is a movement seeking to end the conflict in Uganda and stop the abduction of children for use as child soldiers."
There's a problem. The LRA disbanded in Uganda in 2006. While they have done some slight expansion into Central Africa, logistically and infrastructural-wise, at least 90% of Invisible Children's operations happen in Uganda. It is logistically impossible for someone so entrenched in Uganda to be a main flag-carrier for a terrorist campaign that is down in SOUTH SUDAN. Invisible Children is a Uganda based organization and since they have been rid of Joseph Kony in Uganda for 7 years now, what are they still doing campaigning something that is not their problem? The essence of it lies in incentives (thank you Freakonomics). And that is money.
EDIT 9/3/2012: For those of you arguing that the Invisible Children Inc. can still operate within South Sudan, it is logistically extremely inefficient to transfer infrastructure to another country, especially one of South Sudan's size. Proof? If you look on IC's official website, the ONLY infrastructure they have built outside of Uganda since the LRA left Uganda is a small rehabilitation center that can house 200 or so people.
The rehabilitation center is a nice thought, but the fact that a 13 million dollar a year revenue charity can only build ONE rehabilitation center in the 7 years that the LRA has moved to South Sudan just highlights the inherent logistical problem of IC being based in Uganda. If you want to donate, donate to a South Sudanese charity because they will be much better disposed in terms of infrastructure to aid the South Sudanese in the fight against the LRA. To sum it up, in 7 years, IC makes about 91 MILLION dollars, and all they have to show for it is a small rehabilitation center in South Sudan? They are in NO position to lead the frontal assault against Kony simply because he has moved out of Uganada. It is LOGISTICALLY impossible.
#3 Fighting violence with violence
Invisible Children's main organization is aimed at military engagement and intervention of Joseph Kony's army. The thousands of people who are campaigning for Kony's PROSECUTION have no idea what consequences might follow their actions. The key word here is PROSECUTION. Prosecution of Joseph Kony means DIRECT MILITARY ENGAGEMENT.
Above is an ACTUAL photo from Grant Oyston showing the Filmmakers of and members of the KONY 2012 movement and hence the Invisible Children movement posting with AK-47's and RPG's. Yes, everybody, this is your beloved organization. Close your eyes right no-, wait then you won't be able to read this. OKAY, CLOSE ONE EYE right now and imagine the millions of lives that will be lost in a direct confrontation against Kony's army. Imagine the bloodshed. This is what you are campaigning for. Like I said before, the only way to prosecute Kony is through military intervention. Is this what you really want?
I will end this point by appealing to common sense. Obama sent 100 specialized troops to attempt to deal with the Joseph Kony uprising. And you know what were their orders? They were NOT allowed to engage in direct combat. If you don't want to believe me, believe the president of the United States. The US could storm in right this moment and take Kony along with a couple of tens of millions of lives of innocent children. But they don't. You know why? Because they know better, and you should to. Is this really what you're supporting?
EDIT - 10/3/2012: I know MANY of you are trying to perpetuate the idea that KONY 2012 is about the non-violent destruction of Kony's army, however, that is ridiculously unrealistic. One of Kony 2012's slogans is "stop at nothing". The implication is that Invisible Children will stop at nothing to have Kony prosecuted. While the idea is romantic and pulls on your heart strings, the amount of bloodshed that would occur is extremely gut wrenching.
Simply put, the if the KONY 2012 organizers are really "stopping at nothing", as they so disgustingly put it, I am in no doubt that the whole of South Sudan and millions of people will be killed in bloodshed. As evident in the campaign slogan alone, KONY 2012 has a sickening and wrong approach. Do I have a better approach to the situation in South Sudan? Yes I do. Read on.
#5 - think: Where do i stand?
So where do I stand in all of this?
I am in firm belief that Joseph Kony is a monster and killer, he is a gigantic problem, however, I do not believe he is the biggest problem in South Sudan right now. No where CLOSE. It is extremely disheartening because no matter what decision is made, lives will be lost. However, I believe there needs to be a two pronged approach towards this problem.
FIRSTLY, we need to realize that the inherent problems in South Sudan are much worse than Kony. The OPPORTUNITY COST of spending millions and billions of dollars on the prosecution of Kony will not only lead to South Sudan decimated by military intervention, but more importantly, those billions of dollars could be helping South Sudan much larger scale problems. I hate to say it, but compared to the inherent infrastructural lackings within South Sudan, Kony is naught but a small itch in the bottom of South Sudan.
SECONDLY, we need to realize that things are bad in South Sudan. Shall I name several problems? (source: www.southernsudanmedicaljournal.com/assets/files/misc/SHHS.pdf)
1) Highest maternity death rate in the world, at 2,053.9 per 100,000 live births.
2) Tribal cleansing and killings within South Sudan kill 120,000 people in one month. (source: http://www.sudantribune.com/Over-120-000-displaced-in-South,41356) You need to realize that Kony is the LEAST of Sudan's worries right now, that number is a thousandfold larger than what Kony can kill in a month.
3) South Sudan has three hospitals. Yes. You read that correctly, a country of South Sudan's size only has three registered hospitals. Imagine the amount of neglect that is going on, the millions of lives that could be saved if the KONY 2012 money went to the building of hospitals. Infrastructure expenditure is the most reliable form of aid. Charity Navigator has a ton of information about charities in South Sudan that are dedicated to this cause.
While I am not saying that Kony musn't be stopped, I am arguing that South Sudan is not at a predisposed position to deal with Kony right now. There are a thousand more issues that kill a thousand times more lives. I am in firm belief that a combination of medical aid in the form of infrastructure and the stopping of tribal killings will save a millionfold (literally) more lives than the extremely improbable hypothetical of the prosecution of Kony.
6 - A final conclusion
My friend Yong Jun posted a beautiful, eloquent comment about the whole Kony situation, and with his permission, I am going to use it as my closing comment. (check him out at sevuolballare.weebly.com)
Wikipedia has, for such large pages, at least 50 reliable sources from universities and other acclaimed scholarly journals. I challenge you to find a page better cited. Wikipedia is unreliable for those tiny articles that about 5 people in the world is truly an expert about, and this again shows the bandwagon mentality of the inapt in thinking that Wikipedia cannot be trusted.
Was not the founding fathers of so many nations seen as such an evil being? Did the American founding fathers not slaughter, pillage and kill in order to create their Utopian society? Did Lenin not wage war against about 5 different armies and factions to reorganize Russia and improve its infrastructure and industry by a factor of 100 years? Did Mao not knock 50 years off China's state as a dark vortex of doom?
Machiavelli said "Hence it comes about that all armed Prophets have been victorious, and all unarmed Prophets have been destroyed." In a struggle for whatever ideal, sacrifices are inevitable, be it resources, wealth, a life or even entire armies. One that lives in a world that believes lives saved are always for the better is not only delusional but grossly misunderstands the workings of humanity.
Neither am I convinced that Kony is a Messiah for his people, alike to Mao or Lenin. However, the general ignorance at this topic, and the uproar it brought about is severely disheartening for one who sincerely wishes to love all humanity.
This cesspool of ignorance cannot continue. I am for an opposition to Kony, as every thesis requires and will have an antithesis. Please, however, make it intelligent.
This is a direct quote from Visible Children as I think Oyston has done an excellent job in compiling a formidable list of further reading articles:
--Joseph Kony and Crowdsourced Intervention
- Jack McDonald, Kings of War
- McDonald, of the Department of War Studies at King’s College London, writes about the challenges of cooperation between states in Central Africa, and about what role public opinion should have in conflict management and military affairs. New addition
: Solving War Crimes With Wristbands: The Arrogance of ‘Kony 2012’
– Kate Cronin-Furman & Amanda Taub, the Atlantic – Cronin-Furman and Taub are lawyers with expertise in international law and politics. They are critical of the KONY 2012 campaign’s focus on awareness, arguing that it may “displace specific solutions to these very complicated problems.” Invisible Children founders posing with guns: an interview with the photographer
– Elizabeth Flock, Washington Post
– An interview with the woman who took the controversial photo of the founders of IC holding guns with the SPLA. Also quotes IC’s response to this photo. Joseph Kony is not in Uganda (and other complicated things)
– Michael Wilkerson, Foreign Policy
– Wilkerson is a PhD candidate who has, importantly, lived and worked in Uganda. He’s concerned about the contents of the KONY 2012 film. Stop #Kony2012. Invisible Children’s campaign of infamy
– Angelo Opi-aiya Izama – Izama is a Ugandan journalist who says that to “call the campaign a misrepresentation is an understatement” and that the campaign is “disempowering” to African voices. Kony2012; My response to Invisible Children’s campaign
– Rosebell Kagumire – Kagumire is an award-winning Ugandan journalist and holds a Masters in Media, Peace and Conflict Studies from the University for Peace. In her video, she says: “The war is much more complex than one man called Joseph Kony.” Joseph Kony 2012: growing outrage in Uganda over film
– Mike Pflanz, The Telegraph
– Pflanz sums up the Ugandan concerns about the campaign. He quotes Fred Opolot, spokesman for the Ugandan government, expressing the government’s concerns about the campaign. Questions We Can Ask About Kony 2012
- Meg Nanson – I’m trying to keep my links to major publications, well-known journalists, and blogs written by those with expertise in the issues, but I feel that this is worth reading. Nanson is the founder of an NGO, and although her work is not linked to Africa, this post lists important questions that I’d encourage you to consider. --Thank you for reading, and please share this blog with everyone, along with all the blogs I have listed above. Regardless of whether you agree or disagree with me, people have the right to both sides of the story. Peace, and share in the fight for knowledge.If you liked this post, please share this link. It takes one second to copy this link and post it to your community site, Facebook, Myspace etc. I do not profit off of my blog at all, I believe it is wrong and all I ask is that you share the good word by copying and sharing the link to this blog!For any further inquiries, you can contact me at ProyousArt@hotmail.com.
Hello everyone? As inspired by Jon Gomm, I am going to end every sentence with a question mark? I think it makes everything more fun? So anyway, I'm sorry I haven't posted much, I have been swamped with work and music? It's been going good, not that any of you give a shit of course? My band AlGoreRhythm won ACE last night and it was awesome? Thank you all who came out to support us, you guys are the best? Anyway, I found out last night that I have readers from the far abyssal depths of Concordia? Shout out to you guys, and spread the word? Okay I'll stop with the question marks before I have a rabble of angry blog readers outside of my house wanting to roast me and my dog.
I have been aware I've been posting rather serious stuff, so I decided to do something a little more like my older blog posts! So, growing up from a diaper soiling toddler to a well...diaper soiling young adult, I've learned a lot of things. I've learned from the mistakes my parents made and I think I have some very precious wisdom to impart to you all about parenting and kids. So, without further ado, here's one of the most important tips to parents, teen moms and aspiring parents alike!
If you have a son, call him lou.
The name of your child is undoubtedly one of the most important decisions you will ever make as an adult, or teenager, if you're a female living in Nigeria. So as the title suggest, my suggestion is, if you have a dude, name him LOU, if you have a chick, name her FATIMAH.
Why, you might ask? Well, let's start with Lou. Lou is a solid name, it sounds good and it's a name that you would be proud of. But that's not why you should name your child Lou. Lou is the undoubtedly the best male name in the world because it sounds like "Boo". And not the Casper the Ghost "boo", the "get the fuck off the stage/field" type of "boo". I'm sure if you have an IQ higher than the number of neck beards I have on my neck, you can see where this is going. BUT JOSIAH IS A MAN WHO TAKES NO CHANCES. So, imagine this scenario...
Your son is... let's call him Caitlin, and he is a guitar player. But he kind of sucks. He's always fumbling on stage, can't get his equipment right, always playing the same scales and time signatures...oh wait...ANYWAY, so Caitlin has a big performance tonight, and although he stinks like catshit, you being the benevolent ever-supporting parent comes out to see him.
It is Caitlin's turn to go on stage now. The crowd is hused, the lights dim and a lone profile spot illuminates the center of the stage. Caitlin walks up and says "Hi uhhhh I'm going to play an instrumental version of Hendrix's Little Wing". The crowd is silent and he starts to play.
He starts to play, and he sucks. He sucks harder than a post-op transvestite on the first date, behind a bathroom stall. Stevie bombs and the crowd throws a slew of "Booooooo!", "Boooooooo!" and even more "Booooo!'s". Caitlin self esteem is crushed and he runs of the stage and turns to a life of drugs and "free prostate checks".
NOW, imagine if Stevie's name was Lou. He would start playing and the crowd would scream "Booooo!" BUT, this time, it would sound like "Louuuuuuuuuuuu!", try it now. Try saying boo and lou, it sounds kind of the same because when people say Boo, the stress the "ou" and it sounds like you are saying Lou! So, if your son was called Lou instead of Stevie and people were "Boo"-ing him on stage, you could just tell him, "Don't worry Lou, they're just screaming your name! Thank you.
if you Daughter? Call her fatimah.
So that's safe and sound for Lou and his lou-ing crowd, but what about the chicks? Chicks undoubtedly have more self esteem issues, but it's usually concerned with body image. The size of your rack, your ability to wear tennis shorts, smell of your pussy etc. So, if you have a daughter, name her Fatimah. Fatimah is a name very common malay name in Singapore and Malaysia and growing up in Singapore, I knew a chick called Fatimah, and me and my friends would call her "Fati" for short. It was just a commonly accepted nickname and everyone was cool with it, kind of like Isabella and Isa. So why should you call you daughter Fatimah? Well, it's simple, "Fati" (pronounded Fah-tee) kind of sounds like "Fatty".
So imagine the scenario, your daughter is in some highschool, and she's a heavy gal. I mean, she is one heavy-set son of a...well...son of a you. Let's call her Jane. So, there's this dude that Jane really likes in her school so today she decided to wear some tight fitting shorts to induce boners. So while Jane is queuing up for some fishsticks (hehehehehehehe), the popular group of girls, which consists of 2 white chicks, a black chick, armenian chick and asian chick (because EVERYTHING these days have to be multi-racial right), comes up to her and says in stinging sarcasm "Hey fatty, nice thighs!".
Now imagine if your daughter's name was Fatimah. She would undoubtedly be called Fati as a nickname because by today's society's standard, three syllable names are to exhausting to say. So, imagine the same scenario as Jane, but her name being Fatimah. The popular multi-racial group of multi-talented cheerleaders approaches her and says "Hey Fatty! Nice thighs!", Fatimah would just think that she means "Hey Fati", and accepts it as a compliment. She then proceeds to thank the cheerleader group for the compliment that was sarcastic with a poise and confidence unbeknownst to fat chicks in the past. The cheerleader group is so impressed by her ability to make a stand that the leader of the group, Mindy, approaches Fatimah with her asian sidekick, "sweet and sour chicken", and asks Fatimah if she wants to hang out. Fatimah is overjoyed and leads a new life of popularity, underage drinking and unprotected sex. Unfortunately, because of her time spent with her new found slut friends, Fatimah has no time to hang out with her old friends Shelley and Constance. And that, my friends is the plot to my new movie "Teenage Files". I think it's a great, never before heard of idea and I'm sure it's not a completely fucked out idea for the last 10 years.
Sorry, slight tangent there, but that's basically the jist of it.
- If you have a son, call him Lou so when he gets booed on stage, you can just tell him they are screaming his name.
- If you have a daughter, name her Fatimah so when other better looking chicks call her 'Fatty" you can tell her it's just an affectionate nickname for Fatimah.
That was that! I hope you enjoyed this blog post, more coming soon, hopefully! Thank you for reading, comment, and tell your friends about this blog if you liked it! Drop me a loving comment even if you don't know me, I love reading the opinion of my readers! Actually, if you have good names for kids, why you don't you go ahead and post it in the comments! I was thinking about naming my son Thor too... because well... I mean...
Who the fuck wants to mess with a kid named THOR?