Hi guys. It's 4am here and I just got back from a night out. This is not really a blog post because it's going to be very short and devoid of any digressions. Tonight marks the third time I've walked in on someone taking a shit in the cubical. Is this normal? Because sometimes I feel cursed. Why would you not lock the door? Do you get off on some kind of sick euphoric pleasure from having someone MAYBE walk in on you when you're pulling the pin on an ass grenade? Or did you just forget? Either way, don't get me started on the converse as well (it's funny how saying "don't get me started" is a segway to getting me started on a digression) - How many times at a house party or whatever have you needed to use the toilet but waited outside because the door was closed?

Okay, I'm sure you all know this situation I'm about to describe. - You're at a house party and you had one too many pre-teen concocted shitty alcohol mixes and you need to go take a piss. You ask the horribly inebriated host where the toilet is and he flails his arms in some vague fucked up direction which you can barely decipher. After much exploration and frustrated grunts around the house, you finally find the toilet. You feel like you should be a cartographer or explorer after accomplishing such a gargantuan task. You walk up to the toilet, the door is closed. You're not sure if there's someone in there mid-dump or WORSE, ...fornicating. You put on your imaginary Sherlock Holmes outfit and put your ear towards to door listening for any signs of life. The sound of piss streams, the disgruntled moans of pain from a party goer that had too much east indian food last night, the sound of the tap going, you're trying to listen for any of those signs. - But it's so hard to listen for anything over the California Girls playing from the speakers! A good five minutes has passed and every attractive girl in the party has walked passed you and mentally noted you as the weird guy that likes to listen in on people's bathroom activities. You decide, "fuck this shit, I'm going in". You knock once. No answer. You knock a second time. No answer. Then with a surge of frustration you do the slow "I hope you're not mid-dump" opening of the door. There's no one in the toilet. You feel raped. There you were just being nice and not wanting to walk in on someone dropping an ass grenade and this is what you get? You proceed to take a very frustrated pee and consider not wiping as a "fuck you" to society but then remember you're trying to get laid tonight, so you wipe it anyway. It is however, a very angsty wipe.

This needs to stop. That was a pretty long rant, but yknow, that's the way you guys wanted it anyway. So without further ado, here are Josiah's rules to the toilet!

This rule should seems so elementary but is never done in practicality. This needs to be the first thing kids learn in school, then maybe if we have time we'll get to work on the Singaporean Pledge or the times table.

1) DOOR CLOSED means it is occupied. Ocupado. 有人. Whatever the fuck. It means there is someone in there expelling some foul demons from their body. Simple enough right?

2) DOOR OPEN means vacant. This means no shitting or pissing with the door open, you sick fucks.

3) DOOR SLIGHTLY OPEN means "enter at your own stinky risk...". - You should adjust how ajar the door is depending on how much you've stunk up the bathroom. Like, at 90% closed, your shit probably has a life of it's on and you probably have to exercise it like in one of those shows. So it could range from 90% closed to 10% closed. You know, it's just good science right? Don't question me because I took IB Biology.

You see, if we all get on the same page, there would be no more confusion. There would be no more walking in on people unloading their waste and there would be no more pointlessly waiting for a couple of minutes outside a closed bathroom door.

There are actually 4 more rules I have in mind but I can't really be bothered to write them at the moment. I think what I'll do is release a rule for every post I make. Hope you enjoyed the short post. If you're still reading from the days when my blog went crazy viral, then I salute you, kind sir, thanks for stickin' around. And if you're new here, feel free to post a comment and let me know what you think about my toilet rule. PEACE.

Hit here, since I decided to be more active on my blog, I guess I should share this video of me and the very capable Evelyn Levers doing a duet of Where I Stood.

Click here if the video doesn't work. And Derek's gay.

Hi there. Hi. Did you miss me? I can't believe I still have so many readers after so many months of inactivity. It feels naughty. Like an abusive, negligent boyfriend, love me because I neglect you right? You can't stop coming back even if there's nothing there. You like that I don't care about your welfare as a reader, you like that I'm dominant and I post content WHENEVER I WANT. On a side note, I've removed my personal email from the site since I get spammed by people, instead if you have any questions about the blog, you can continue spamming me at proyousart@gmail.com now.

But really, man where has the time gone? When I was actively posting, I probably had hair and Rebecca Black was still a thing. But today, I'm sitting here, on my bed, it's 10am in the morning and maybe it's the beautiful rays of the morning sun burning my dick, but I feel kind of nostalgic so I decided to crack open the old blog. Today I want to talk about laughter. Ironically, this blog post about laughing is probably the least laughable blog post I've ever written.

So shall we start? At risk of sounding like the bottom half of a gay couple, I think laughter is one of the most powerful things in the world. Laughter is taken for granted all the time. We laugh all the time but do we ever stop and think about why we laugh? How we laugh? What happens when we laugh? What changes in us when we laugh? Today I want to explore laughter and all there is about it and why it is precious. Before we talk about laughter, how about we laugh it up a little? Below is a photo of me being boned by a bear in the streets of Munich, Germany. There were no girls on the trip, so I had to satisfy myself somehow, and hence:

Growing up as a boy, it was always a dream of mine to be a comedian. I would watch Russell Peters as a pre-pubescent 11 year old do crappy Chinese accents in awe. I thought to myself "man, if only I could do that for a living, wouldn't that be great?". Comedy has always been something that I've held dearly onto my life. Anyone who knows me knows I love laughing. I love laughing at anything and everything. From musical puns to pictures of turd sandwiches, I love to laugh at anything. This love of laughter stemmed from when I was young.

You see, I was very sad when I was young; I'd cry all the time and I'd be angry and frustrated. However, instead of unleashing hell onto my cabbage patch doll like a normal sane child, my saving grace was comedy. I'd watch all the comics spew out jokes, and then I'd recite them under my breath and tell it to my friends and watch them all laugh. Laughter and comedy was a way for me to cope. My wish as a kid and pre-teen was that I could laugh forever because that way, I would never be sad and this is kind of what today's blog post is about.

The power of laughter is a strange one in the sense that although it is SO powerful, we never really notice or harness the power of comedy. Much like the black inner city kid who is born with an amazing voice but is forced into a life of street crime, the potential of laughter is ignored. I am obsessed with trying to explain and quantify the metaphysical and much like my blog post on love, this one's about laughter.

The title above is the point of revolution of the post.

To laugh, is to be fearless.
To laugh, is to be fearless.
To laugh, is to be fearless.
To laugh, is to be fearless.

When you laugh, you do not fear. When you laugh, you do not cry. When you laugh, you are not anxious. Get the picture now? Emotionally, laughter is one of those emotions that is all encompassing and dominant of every other emotion. The power of laughter lies in how dominant it is over any other emotions. If you laugh, for the single moment that you are laughing, you are psychologically unable to feel any other emotion. Laughter is euphoric and does no co-exist. When true laughter is present, any other emotion fades back into the distant.

If we imagine our minds as a dinner table, and the different plates of food as the different emotions a human is capable of producing, then laughter would be the smelly tofu of emotions.

So what do I mean by laughter is the smelly tofu of emotions? Like I touched upon earlier, laughter is the most dominant, euphoric emotion. Think back to the times when you've had a laughing fit. The times when you couldn't stop laughing. For that short moment that you are laughing, no anxiety, no sadness and no worries can penetrate you.

When you laugh, you forget about the world, you disregard your situation and your surroundings. When you laugh, your mind is a one track mind. Almost like an orgasm, during that sweet moment, during that fleeting, short moment, nothing in the world matters. You don't care about anything else but the orgasm. I can't believe I just said that. My parents read this blog. Shout out to Mr. Seet and Mrs. Seet and not to mention my sister, Kimberly. I'm sure you all think I'm really fucking weird.

Okay so where was I? Ah yes, laughter fills up your emotional capacity to full. When you truly actually laugh out loud, you cannot fear. You could laugh BECAUSE you are scared, but when you are laughing, you cannot be scared. I know some of you think this is a pile of mushy shit, but please keep an open mind because this is true. Think about the split second in which you are really, really laughing hard...You cannot fear. You cannot be scared. You cannot be sad.

This is a rather short and kind of serious post and I know I've been emailed by people saying they want funny stuff, but I don't care. I kind of needed to get this out. So before I go, I'm just going to say, if you can make someone laugh, you can make them fearless. Laughter is precious so please, just laugh at anything you can. Even if it's retarded, just laugh for the sake of laughing.

Thanks guys for reading and I'm just going to reiterate what I said earlier that you guys should think about:

Laughter is the smelly tofu on the dinner table of emotions.

I think most of my posts have been rather serious; what with all the Marijuana and Kony posts, it's been slightly depressing! So i thought I might make a post about something more light-hearted and humorous. Ok, so today we are going to talk about toilet-flushers and WHY they don't work. Firstly I just want to say this. People always go "oh look at Josiah, here he goes again ranting about manboobs or why we should name our kids "Fatimah" or "Lou" he's just joking!". I am fucking serious. Every single outlandish improvement I write here, I am serious. When you hear me say I am going to name my kid Lou because it sounds like "Louuuu" when people "Boooo" and jeer him on stage, I am fucking serious. I am seriously about everything I write. Comedy is simply a trebuchet I use to lower your defenses and make you more malleable.

Ok, so today we are talking about toilet flushers. There are two kinds of toilet flushers. Bad ones, and REALLY bad ones. If you see the world through the prism of motivation, you will realize that a lot of people do not flush toilets at a public place because it is dirty and there is simply no reward! It's sad that we have to depend on incentives to better the world, but it's true. Okay, before we figure out ways on how to improve the toilet flusher, let me tell you what's wrong with the current toilet flushers.

Okay, so this is your typical middle class flusher that is emerging more and more. It looks kind of like a a cashew nut fervently spooning an almond nut and it SUCKS. Here's what's wrong with this toilet flusher:

1) If you have taken a huge dump, you really should be using the large flush, but PSA's and society has deemed that to be an environmentally unfriendly thing to do. So you are always faced with the dilemma of either leaving a fecal bomb in the toilet or feel like a world killing dick.

2) The flusher is BEHIND you, hence if you are offloading a particularly heavy round of Pad Thai, you probably need to flush twice and therein lies the problem! You have to flush it while sitting down, and because the flusher is behind you, you have to kind of twist your body like a corkscrew just to reach it.

Ok, so now we have established that modern day flushers are horrible and there is just no incentive to do so. So why don't we add a little incentive? This idea came to me while I was in the fine city of Vegas many years ago. It occurred to me that public bathrooms in Vegas were FILTHY. No one was flushing. I mean granted everyone was inebriated and didn't give a shit, but still, that was a problem. So a 14 year old me went to be pondering the hypothetical, "if I was the mayor, how would I solve this problem". And a prepubescent me came up with an idea that is one of my best ideas to date...

Many people will recognize this contraption as the slot machine lever. I think you can see where this is going. Because of the rampant amount of casinos and the avalanche of people addicted to gambling, why don't we make the toilet flushers slot machine levers?

Seriously. Imagine you in Vegas, you've just won a little bit of money, you're slightly drunk and have to go take a piss. You finish peeing and while you would normally not bother with the flusher, you see that the flusher is somewhat like the one pictured on the left. You see a gigantic long lever just waiting to be pulled. Your fingers curl up uncontrollably, miming the shape of the lever head as you crave pulling that lever. Look at that lever, it is just asking to be pulled. And finally, you do the deed.

Life is about motivation and incentives and because of this, if we give people motivation and incentive to flush I believe toilets will be a lot cleaner. But seriously, if you're still not on board with the idea of this, is probably because you have never pulled a slot machine lever before. And I'm talking about those gigantic long levers. It's because you have never felt that satisfying, that rewarding deep "clunk" after fully depressing the lever, it's better or on par with a sexual orgasm, I swear. Not only are guys addicted to gambling, the lever is just so fun to pull!

Levers are ridiculously fun to pull, and using it as an incentive to flush in Vegas is something I would love to see happen. And plus, with all that extra money going around from the Casinos, maybe we could make it a jackpot where you could win 10,000 dollars for flushing or something. Do you find levers as fun as I do? Do you have any other ideas to fix the rampant unflushed toilets? Let me know!

Hello everyone, I hate to post the run-of-the-mill, generic yet kind of mandatory "Sorry I haven't posted in so long!" message but I have to. I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately, I've been busy not being busy! And I know I got a couple of emails from readers asking me when the next post is, so I decided to do a post.

As I was relaxing, sprawled on my bed scrolling through Facebook, I came across a post by a buddy of mine, Monica. She linked an article that caught my beady, shifty eyes. The headline went a little something like this: "Cannabis cafes set to open all around Britain". I metaphorically spat out my metaphysical coffee from my fabricated mouth. The trajectory, speed and velocity of this metaphorical expulsion of coffee from my mouth was further fueled upon reading the article.

There's more to read on the article and if you'd like to read more, the link's right here:

https://apps.facebook.com/theguardian/uk/2002/mar/17/drugsandalcohol.immigrationpolicy

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Okay so let's start digging in! Right about now you're probably saying "Josiah, how can a liberal arts loving douche like you be against this?" Well, Mace Windu, let me explain to you why I have problems with this movement. To understand my inherent problem with this movement, you have to understand my problem with pot. And no, I am not talking about the teflon beast that guards your pumpkin soup every night, I'm instead, talking about pot.

I used to think no one could confuse a cooking pot with the drug pot, but I used to also believe that everyone had an email account. - Until I met Mike. I met Mike in school a long time ago in Year. 8 and he told me he didn't have an email account. Who doesn't have an email account? Seriously, I gotta go on side-jag here, but seriously, how can you survive without an email in this day and age? That's like having no soul. Oooh, interesting thought: that feeling you get when you lose your email account due to hacking or a forgotten password; that feeling of loss, that grief you feel for your email account, is that the grief we experience if our soul gets stolen? Okay now I'm fucking' on fire! - It just occurred to me, your Email is your soul. Someone call fucking Jimmy Kimmel and get me on his show because I just discovered that your email account is your soul. Think about that one. Seriously. Stop thinking about me telling you to think about that one and just go think about emails being souls for awhile. Then return to this post to read what I have to say about pot.

Phew! That was a slight detour. I have a habit of digressing when I try to make a point but that's okay because that's the way you wanted it anyway. Right so let's get to it. I'll put it in a very simple sentence my feeling about pot:

"Pot makes you alright with being bored."

That is what it boils down to. Let me explain. Have you ever been so bored that you actually did something productive? Remember when the season finale of 90210 and other assorted chick shows ended? You know that empty feeling you get? Yeah that's boredom with a touch of anxiety. Most people view boredom as a negative thing, and while it is, boredom is the driving force behind productivity. Have you ever picked up a hobby because you were bored? Sure, we all have. And for some of us, that hobby became a life skill that could make some money!

Take me for example. I started Guitar because I was bored and had nothing to do. I subsequently did not have much going on in my life, so I PRACTICED. Why did I practice? BECAUSE I WAS BORED. I WAS BORED. I'M BORED RIGHT NOW, THAT'S WHY I'M WRITING THIS.

I hope you see the point in this like you can see the point of a serial killer's knife glimmer in one of those cheesy 80's horror movies where the guy dons a mask an- you know what, I've said too much. The point is, boredom makes us productive. Sometimes, it makes us watch AMC's Breaking Bad, but sometimes boredom can actually drive us to do some amazing, productive things. Don't believe me? I am living fucking proof. I became proficient at guitar because I was BORED and well, passionate too.

Now that you understand why boredom is so important in our life, you should understand be able to put the pieces together and do the math. Pot is the most efficient boredom killer of them all. There is NOTHING more unproductive than being high. I can speak from personal experience. Even when you watch a TV show like Breaking Bad, at least you are learning about fulminated mercury can be used in a non-lethal combat situation. But when you're high, you don't learn ANYTHING. There is no more unproductive hobby than getting high.

We've all been there. High as a kite, sitting on the couch with your lazy pants on and laughing your ass off with your friends for a couple of hours straight. With pot, there is NEVER a boring moment and that's the inherent problem I have with pot. Pot kills boredom and when we lose our ability to be bored, we lose a part of our motivation to be productive and actually do something useful.

Still don't believe me that boredom is a strong motivation factor and a key to success? Look for interviews of famous, successful people and see how they got started. I was listening to a Joe Robinson interview the other night and he said "In Australia, we didn't have much to do, so I just played guitar all day.". Joe Robinson is now one of the most talented acoustic guitarists in the world at age 22. Do you think if Joe had smoked a doobie every day he would be so dedicated? It was his own words that said it was because he was bored that he practiced guitar so much.

But seriously, do you honestly fucking think that Fortune 500 CEO's do this shit? Think about all the rich, successful people in life that you know and try and think about how many of them you can imagine lighting a pipe or doobie. The answer is NONE. Do you think Goldman Sachs and Donald Trump get together every night and go "Hey Trump, let's lay on your mattress with no box spring and RIP A BONG LOAD? CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE TRUMP RIPPING A BONG LOAD? NO. FUCK NO. FUCK NOW I'M PISSED.

Donald Trump and everyone successful in the private sector do NOT rip bong loads.

The most compelling argument I can give you as to why pot makes people stupid, is not chemicals or scientific papers or anything of the sort, it's pure hard empirical data. Think about back when you were in school or college, did you EVER know a smart stoner? I've met MANY stoners and I can honestly say that in my school life, I have never met someone who had, for example, good grades and astonishing intellect who smoked pot excessively. Once in awhile you'll find the odd exception, but no one can deny that they have seen a HUGE percentage of stupid stoners who do horribly in school.. It's the ultimate stereotype; the dumb stoner, and it's a cliche BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.

Now it seems as though I've been a little hard on our brain cell killing, time wasting green friend, but I'm actually alright with pot. I think pot is only dangerous to our intellect and productivity in large amounts. So where do I stand?

Ahem, I think it's okay for cannabis cafes to exist, by all means I think it'll be a decent form of tax revenue, but there needs to be a limit. There needs to be a weekly limit on how many doobies they are allowed to blaze or else it's open fucking season out there.

In conclusion, Pot is like Mormons or Jehovah's witnesses in the sense that they are pretty awesome in small amounts, but dangerous in large amounts.

Hello everyone, sorry I have been able to spout my vitriolic venom at you much, I have been studying hard for my exams! And by studying hard for my exams, I mean studying hard for my music exam, and by studying hard for my music exam, I mean playing a lot of fucking guitar. So anyway, today we are talking about some SERIOUS. We're going to talk about kids. Yes, kids. Those little "aww"-inciting munchkins that are the lifeblood of the human race. Just a quick sidebar here, but I was reading one of my little sister's old children's book when she was like 3 years old and on the cover it said "winner of the el-blah-blah-blah award for 2005!" so I thought to myself, well this should be pretty good. I open the book, and it looked something like this:

I HATE children's authors. I hate them. Until you can do what Roald Dahl did and write for you, your child and your grandmother, I have NO respect whatsoever for you. Here are a couple of points as to why I hate children's writers.

1) Has there EVER been a fucking children's writer that has had writer's block? Seriously. You know how all the fantasy novel characters have had writer's block? We often hear the "oh I just did not have any inspiration today to develop the the character of Johnny and I just couldn't think of adjectives to describe the beautiful canopy Johnny lived in". We often hear that from NORMAL adult writers. Do you think there EVER was a children's book writer who had trouble writing this shit? Do you ever think they go through this scenario:   

I will personally challenge you to find me a children's writer that has EVER had writer's block. The gravest extent of their writing dilemmas are "should Piggy go to the MARKET? Or should Piggy go to the BEACH?". Do you think they stay up all night breaking out in cold sweat in their bed mumbling and pondering on where Piggy should go next?

2) Children's books are useless. I'm serious. They are useless. Take ANY children's book that you've ever read. Do you think they taught you anything that you haven't learned from school? Do you think you could not have learned the words "GOOD" and "EGG" without the help of that book? Do you think people walk around going "man, I am so grateful for the hungry fucking caterpillar! Without the insightful and highly classified information of that book, I would've NEVER known that a leaf is green or that days can be sunny." I challenge you to find something useful that you have learned from a children's book that you cannot learn from pre-school or primary school.

You want to talk about wasting paper, imagine how many millions of trees are cut down each year for the sole purpose of telling you that a leaf is green, or that the sun is shiny or whatever the fuck.


Anyway, here's a funny picture because you put up with my ranting for so long (via 9gag):

3) So anyway, all you children's writers who have never published a piece of adult work, shame on you. SHAME ON YOU. You are essentially writing books for mini retarded people. This is by no means an attack on kids, but that's what they are! Kids are mini retarded people. For example, little Johnny reads at a 3'rd grade level because he's in the 3'rd grade...but if he kept reading at a 3'rd grade level when he was 35, then he's retarded. My little sister has a mental age of 9 because she is 9 years old, but if Johnson here had a mental age of 9 at the age of 25, he would be retarded.

So really, Children's book's writers, you are writing for mini retarded people.


4) Look at this list of children's books awards:

http://people.ucalgary.ca/~dkbrown/awards.html

I've always wondered how they judged children's books. I mean, really, with adult fiction, you can talka bout tone, characterization, themes, symbolism etc, but I would LOVE to know the the criteria for children's books. I would LOVE to see a prize giving ceremony for books written for retarded people. Here's a small script excerpt of my play "Retarded People" if any producers are reading my blog.

The crowd is hushed. The panel take their place in what seemed like four bejeweled throne. The judges feverishly itch and fidget out of anxiety as they know the great responsibility of the 20th annual Children's Books Awards lay firmly on their shoulders.

Announcer:  And now...(cue dubstep) for the greatest prize of them all...Who will be the crowning jewel of the esteemed Children Author world? Who out of these five nominees will win...BEST AUTHOR! (crowd roars)

(Hush)

Announcer: The nominees for this year's best writer are...
Announcer: "Dog Goes WUFF! Volume 2" by H. Gordon!
Announcer: "Piggy Goes To The Market!" by Stephen Linsky!
Announcer: "Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Platypus" by Marvin Tan!
Announcer: And now...the winner for this year's best Children's Author is...Dog Goes WUFF! by H. Gordon!

Gordon enters from Stage left to the thrust of the stage. He is overflowing with tears of joy and relief. It is also noted that he is urinating himself as a large cesspool of pee engulfs the pelvic and crotch area of his trousers.

Judge: Gordon, your creativity was unmatched. Till this day, I am moved by your wonderful book, "Dog Goes WUFF!". Without your book, I think millions of children today would not have known that a dog, indeed, does go "wuff". You have enlightened us all with your beautiful writing. I remember, one of the most beautiful lines of the book was "wuff wuff!" and who could forget the classic line of "wuff wuff wuff!" and lastly, the line of "Dog goes wuff!" will forever be etched in our skull. Gordon, you are truly one of the most amazing writers of the 21st century. Promise us that you will forever be a shining bastion for excellence in writing.

Enter The Incredible Hulk from stage right where he viciously mutilates and audience, judges and authors.

*FIN*

EDIT: Had a couple of complaints that the video wasn't working so just use this link if the video is not loading:

WATCH HERE

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I hope you enjoyed it, thank you so much for watching, leave a comment on the video, give me a thumbs up and it would absolutely make my day.

There is a special girl many oceans away (you know who you are), and if for some reason you somehow end up on this blog, and if, for some reason, you are reading this, I just wanted to let you know that I miss you. And though I move on, and you the same, you will always and forever be my Mendelssohn-playing Juliet.

Hello everyone? As inspired by Jon Gomm, I am going to end every sentence with a question mark? I think it makes everything more fun? So anyway, I'm sorry I haven't posted much, I have been swamped with work and music? It's been going good, not that any of you give a shit of course? My band AlGoreRhythm won ACE last night and it was awesome? Thank you all who came out to support us, you guys are the best? Anyway, I found out last night that I have readers from the far abyssal depths of Concordia? Shout out to you guys, and spread the word? Okay I'll stop with the question marks before I have a rabble of angry blog readers outside of my house wanting to roast me and my dog.

I have been aware I've been posting rather serious stuff, so I decided to do something a little more like my older blog posts! So, growing up from a diaper soiling toddler to a well...diaper soiling young adult, I've learned a lot of things. I've learned from the mistakes my parents made and I think I have some very precious wisdom to impart to you all about parenting and kids. So, without further ado, here's one of the most important tips to parents, teen moms and aspiring parents alike!

The name of your child is undoubtedly one of the most important decisions you will ever make as an adult, or teenager, if you're a female living in Nigeria. So as the title suggest, my suggestion is, if you have a dude, name him LOU, if you have a chick, name her FATIMAH.

Why, you might ask? Well, let's start with Lou. Lou is a solid name, it sounds good and it's a name that you would be proud of. But that's not why you should name your child Lou. Lou is the undoubtedly the best male name in the world because it sounds like "Boo". And not the Casper the Ghost "boo", the "get the fuck off the stage/field" type of "boo". I'm sure if you have an IQ higher than the number of neck beards I have on my neck, you can see where this is going. BUT JOSIAH IS A MAN WHO TAKES NO CHANCES. So, imagine this scenario...

Your son is... let's call him Caitlin, and he is a guitar player. But he kind of sucks. He's always fumbling on stage, can't get his equipment right, always playing the same scales and time signatures...oh wait...ANYWAY, so Caitlin has a big performance tonight, and although he stinks like catshit, you being the benevolent ever-supporting parent comes out to see him.

It is Caitlin's turn to go on stage now. The crowd is hused, the lights dim and a lone profile spot illuminates the center of the stage. Caitlin walks up and says "Hi uhhhh I'm going to play an instrumental version of Hendrix's Little Wing". The crowd is silent and he starts to play.

He starts to play, and he sucks. He sucks harder than a post-op transvestite on the first date, behind a bathroom stall. Stevie bombs and the crowd throws a slew of "Booooooo!", "Boooooooo!" and even more "Booooo!'s". Caitlin self esteem is crushed and he runs of the stage and turns to a life of drugs and "free prostate checks".

NOW, imagine if Stevie's name was Lou. He would start playing and the crowd would scream "Booooo!" BUT, this time, it would sound like "Louuuuuuuuuuuu!", try it now. Try saying boo and lou, it sounds kind of the same because when people say Boo, the stress the "ou" and it sounds like you are saying Lou! So, if your son was called Lou instead of Stevie and people were "Boo"-ing him on stage, you could just tell him, "Don't worry Lou, they're just screaming your name! Thank you.

So that's safe and sound for Lou and his lou-ing crowd, but what about the chicks? Chicks undoubtedly have more self esteem issues, but it's usually concerned with body image. The size of your rack, your ability to wear tennis shorts, smell of your pussy etc. So, if you have a daughter, name her Fatimah. Fatimah is a name very common malay name in Singapore and Malaysia and growing up in Singapore, I knew a chick called Fatimah, and me and my friends would call her "Fati" for short. It was just a commonly accepted nickname and everyone was cool with it, kind of like Isabella and Isa. So why should you call you daughter Fatimah? Well, it's simple, "Fati" (pronounded Fah-tee) kind of sounds like "Fatty".

So imagine the scenario, your daughter is in some highschool, and she's a heavy gal. I mean, she is one heavy-set son of a...well...son of a you.  Let's call her Jane. So, there's this dude that Jane really likes in her school so today she decided to wear some tight fitting shorts to induce boners. So while Jane is queuing up for some fishsticks (hehehehehehehe), the popular group of girls, which consists of 2 white chicks, a black chick, armenian chick and asian chick (because EVERYTHING these days have to be multi-racial right), comes up to her and says in stinging sarcasm "Hey fatty, nice thighs!".

Now imagine if your daughter's name was Fatimah. She would undoubtedly be called Fati as a nickname because by today's society's standard, three syllable names are to exhausting to say. So, imagine the same scenario as Jane, but her name being Fatimah. The popular multi-racial group of multi-talented cheerleaders approaches her and says "Hey Fatty! Nice thighs!", Fatimah would just think that she means "Hey Fati", and accepts it as a compliment. She then proceeds to thank the cheerleader group for the compliment that was sarcastic with a poise and confidence unbeknownst to fat chicks in the past. The cheerleader group is so impressed by her ability to make a stand that the leader of the group, Mindy, approaches Fatimah with her asian sidekick, "sweet and sour chicken", and asks Fatimah if she wants to hang out. Fatimah is overjoyed and leads a new life of popularity, underage drinking and unprotected sex.  Unfortunately, because of her time spent with her new found slut friends, Fatimah has no time to hang out with her old friends Shelley and Constance. And that, my friends is the plot to my new movie "Teenage Files". I think it's a great, never before heard of idea and I'm sure it's not a completely fucked out idea for the last 10 years.

Sorry, slight tangent there, but that's basically the jist of it.

- If you have a son, call him Lou so when he gets booed on stage, you can just tell him they are screaming his name.

- If you have a daughter, name her Fatimah so when other better looking chicks call her 'Fatty" you can tell her it's just an affectionate nickname for Fatimah.

That was that! I hope you enjoyed this blog post, more coming soon, hopefully! Thank you for reading, comment, and tell your friends about this blog if you liked it! Drop me a loving comment even if you don't know me, I love reading the opinion of my readers! Actually, if you have good names for kids, why you don't you go ahead and post it in the comments! I was thinking about naming my son Thor too... because well... I mean...