1) Has there EVER been a fucking children's writer that has had writer's block? Seriously. You know how all the fantasy novel characters have had writer's block? We often hear the "oh I just did not have any inspiration today to develop the the character of Johnny and I just couldn't think of adjectives to describe the beautiful canopy Johnny lived in". We often hear that from NORMAL adult writers. Do you think there EVER was a children's book writer who had trouble writing this shit? Do you ever think they go through this scenario:
2) Children's books are useless. I'm serious. They are useless. Take ANY children's book that you've ever read. Do you think they taught you anything that you haven't learned from school? Do you think you could not have learned the words "GOOD" and "EGG" without the help of that book? Do you think people walk around going "man, I am so grateful for the hungry fucking caterpillar! Without the insightful and highly classified information of that book, I would've NEVER known that a leaf is green or that days can be sunny." I challenge you to find something useful that you have learned from a children's book that you cannot learn from pre-school or primary school.
You want to talk about wasting paper, imagine how many millions of trees are cut down each year for the sole purpose of telling you that a leaf is green, or that the sun is shiny or whatever the fuck.
Anyway, here's a funny picture because you put up with my ranting for so long (via 9gag):
So really, Children's book's writers, you are writing for mini retarded people.
4) Look at this list of children's books awards:
I've always wondered how they judged children's books. I mean, really, with adult fiction, you can talka bout tone, characterization, themes, symbolism etc, but I would LOVE to know the the criteria for children's books. I would LOVE to see a prize giving ceremony for books written for retarded people. Here's a small script excerpt of my play "Retarded People" if any producers are reading my blog.
The crowd is hushed. The panel take their place in what seemed like four bejeweled throne. The judges feverishly itch and fidget out of anxiety as they know the great responsibility of the 20th annual Children's Books Awards lay firmly on their shoulders.
Announcer: And now...(cue dubstep) for the greatest prize of them all...Who will be the crowning jewel of the esteemed Children Author world? Who out of these five nominees will win...BEST AUTHOR! (crowd roars)
Announcer: The nominees for this year's best writer are...
Announcer: "Dog Goes WUFF! Volume 2" by H. Gordon!
Announcer: "Piggy Goes To The Market!" by Stephen Linsky!
Announcer: "Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Platypus" by Marvin Tan!
Announcer: And now...the winner for this year's best Children's Author is...Dog Goes WUFF! by H. Gordon!
Gordon enters from Stage left to the thrust of the stage. He is overflowing with tears of joy and relief. It is also noted that he is urinating himself as a large cesspool of pee engulfs the pelvic and crotch area of his trousers.
Judge: Gordon, your creativity was unmatched. Till this day, I am moved by your wonderful book, "Dog Goes WUFF!". Without your book, I think millions of children today would not have known that a dog, indeed, does go "wuff". You have enlightened us all with your beautiful writing. I remember, one of the most beautiful lines of the book was "wuff wuff!" and who could forget the classic line of "wuff wuff wuff!" and lastly, the line of "Dog goes wuff!" will forever be etched in our skull. Gordon, you are truly one of the most amazing writers of the 21st century. Promise us that you will forever be a shining bastion for excellence in writing.
Enter The Incredible Hulk from stage right where he viciously mutilates and audience, judges and authors.