Hello everyone, sorry I have been able to spout my vitriolic venom at you much, I have been studying hard for my exams! And by studying hard for my exams, I mean studying hard for my music exam, and by studying hard for my music exam, I mean playing a lot of fucking guitar. So anyway, today we are talking about some SERIOUS. We're going to talk about kids. Yes, kids. Those little "aww"-inciting munchkins that are the lifeblood of the human race. Just a quick sidebar here, but I was reading one of my little sister's old children's book when she was like 3 years old and on the cover it said "winner of the el-blah-blah-blah award for 2005!" so I thought to myself, well this should be pretty good. I open the book, and it looked something like this:
I HATE children's authors. I hate them. Until you can do what Roald Dahl did and write for you, your child and your grandmother, I have NO respect whatsoever for you. Here are a couple of points as to why I hate children's writers.
1) Has there EVER been a fucking children's writer that has had writer's block? Seriously. You know how all the fantasy novel characters have had writer's block? We often hear the "oh I just did not have any inspiration today to develop the the character of Johnny and I just couldn't think of adjectives to describe the beautiful canopy Johnny lived in". We often hear that from NORMAL adult writers. Do you think there EVER was a children's book writer who had trouble writing this shit? Do you ever think they go through this scenario:
1) Has there EVER been a fucking children's writer that has had writer's block? Seriously. You know how all the fantasy novel characters have had writer's block? We often hear the "oh I just did not have any inspiration today to develop the the character of Johnny and I just couldn't think of adjectives to describe the beautiful canopy Johnny lived in". We often hear that from NORMAL adult writers. Do you think there EVER was a children's book writer who had trouble writing this shit? Do you ever think they go through this scenario:
I will personally challenge you to find me a children's writer that has EVER had writer's block. The gravest extent of their writing dilemmas are "should Piggy go to the MARKET? Or should Piggy go to the BEACH?". Do you think they stay up all night breaking out in cold sweat in their bed mumbling and pondering on where Piggy should go next?
2) Children's books are useless. I'm serious. They are useless. Take ANY children's book that you've ever read. Do you think they taught you anything that you haven't learned from school? Do you think you could not have learned the words "GOOD" and "EGG" without the help of that book? Do you think people walk around going "man, I am so grateful for the hungry fucking caterpillar! Without the insightful and highly classified information of that book, I would've NEVER known that a leaf is green or that days can be sunny." I challenge you to find something useful that you have learned from a children's book that you cannot learn from pre-school or primary school.
You want to talk about wasting paper, imagine how many millions of trees are cut down each year for the sole purpose of telling you that a leaf is green, or that the sun is shiny or whatever the fuck.
Anyway, here's a funny picture because you put up with my ranting for so long (via 9gag):
2) Children's books are useless. I'm serious. They are useless. Take ANY children's book that you've ever read. Do you think they taught you anything that you haven't learned from school? Do you think you could not have learned the words "GOOD" and "EGG" without the help of that book? Do you think people walk around going "man, I am so grateful for the hungry fucking caterpillar! Without the insightful and highly classified information of that book, I would've NEVER known that a leaf is green or that days can be sunny." I challenge you to find something useful that you have learned from a children's book that you cannot learn from pre-school or primary school.
You want to talk about wasting paper, imagine how many millions of trees are cut down each year for the sole purpose of telling you that a leaf is green, or that the sun is shiny or whatever the fuck.
Anyway, here's a funny picture because you put up with my ranting for so long (via 9gag):
3) So anyway, all you children's writers who have never published a piece of adult work, shame on you. SHAME ON YOU. You are essentially writing books for mini retarded people. This is by no means an attack on kids, but that's what they are! Kids are mini retarded people. For example, little Johnny reads at a 3'rd grade level because he's in the 3'rd grade...but if he kept reading at a 3'rd grade level when he was 35, then he's retarded. My little sister has a mental age of 9 because she is 9 years old, but if Johnson here had a mental age of 9 at the age of 25, he would be retarded.
So really, Children's book's writers, you are writing for mini retarded people.
4) Look at this list of children's books awards:
http://people.ucalgary.ca/~dkbrown/awards.html
I've always wondered how they judged children's books. I mean, really, with adult fiction, you can talka bout tone, characterization, themes, symbolism etc, but I would LOVE to know the the criteria for children's books. I would LOVE to see a prize giving ceremony for books written for retarded people. Here's a small script excerpt of my play "Retarded People" if any producers are reading my blog.
The crowd is hushed. The panel take their place in what seemed like four bejeweled throne. The judges feverishly itch and fidget out of anxiety as they know the great responsibility of the 20th annual Children's Books Awards lay firmly on their shoulders.
Announcer: And now...(cue dubstep) for the greatest prize of them all...Who will be the crowning jewel of the esteemed Children Author world? Who out of these five nominees will win...BEST AUTHOR! (crowd roars)
(Hush)
Announcer: The nominees for this year's best writer are...
Announcer: "Dog Goes WUFF! Volume 2" by H. Gordon!
Announcer: "Piggy Goes To The Market!" by Stephen Linsky!
Announcer: "Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Platypus" by Marvin Tan!
Announcer: And now...the winner for this year's best Children's Author is...Dog Goes WUFF! by H. Gordon!
Gordon enters from Stage left to the thrust of the stage. He is overflowing with tears of joy and relief. It is also noted that he is urinating himself as a large cesspool of pee engulfs the pelvic and crotch area of his trousers.
Judge: Gordon, your creativity was unmatched. Till this day, I am moved by your wonderful book, "Dog Goes WUFF!". Without your book, I think millions of children today would not have known that a dog, indeed, does go "wuff". You have enlightened us all with your beautiful writing. I remember, one of the most beautiful lines of the book was "wuff wuff!" and who could forget the classic line of "wuff wuff wuff!" and lastly, the line of "Dog goes wuff!" will forever be etched in our skull. Gordon, you are truly one of the most amazing writers of the 21st century. Promise us that you will forever be a shining bastion for excellence in writing.
Enter The Incredible Hulk from stage right where he viciously mutilates and audience, judges and authors.
*FIN*
So really, Children's book's writers, you are writing for mini retarded people.
4) Look at this list of children's books awards:
http://people.ucalgary.ca/~dkbrown/awards.html
I've always wondered how they judged children's books. I mean, really, with adult fiction, you can talka bout tone, characterization, themes, symbolism etc, but I would LOVE to know the the criteria for children's books. I would LOVE to see a prize giving ceremony for books written for retarded people. Here's a small script excerpt of my play "Retarded People" if any producers are reading my blog.
The crowd is hushed. The panel take their place in what seemed like four bejeweled throne. The judges feverishly itch and fidget out of anxiety as they know the great responsibility of the 20th annual Children's Books Awards lay firmly on their shoulders.
Announcer: And now...(cue dubstep) for the greatest prize of them all...Who will be the crowning jewel of the esteemed Children Author world? Who out of these five nominees will win...BEST AUTHOR! (crowd roars)
(Hush)
Announcer: The nominees for this year's best writer are...
Announcer: "Dog Goes WUFF! Volume 2" by H. Gordon!
Announcer: "Piggy Goes To The Market!" by Stephen Linsky!
Announcer: "Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Platypus" by Marvin Tan!
Announcer: And now...the winner for this year's best Children's Author is...Dog Goes WUFF! by H. Gordon!
Gordon enters from Stage left to the thrust of the stage. He is overflowing with tears of joy and relief. It is also noted that he is urinating himself as a large cesspool of pee engulfs the pelvic and crotch area of his trousers.
Judge: Gordon, your creativity was unmatched. Till this day, I am moved by your wonderful book, "Dog Goes WUFF!". Without your book, I think millions of children today would not have known that a dog, indeed, does go "wuff". You have enlightened us all with your beautiful writing. I remember, one of the most beautiful lines of the book was "wuff wuff!" and who could forget the classic line of "wuff wuff wuff!" and lastly, the line of "Dog goes wuff!" will forever be etched in our skull. Gordon, you are truly one of the most amazing writers of the 21st century. Promise us that you will forever be a shining bastion for excellence in writing.
Enter The Incredible Hulk from stage right where he viciously mutilates and audience, judges and authors.
*FIN*
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